The Halloween That Should Never Have been
In my effort to watch as many horror movies as possible, there are times that I will come across a film within a franchise, so bad, that it’s a wonder it was ever made. One such movie is Halloween III: Season of the Witch. To say that it diverted from the original theme is an understatement, rather, it saw the success of Halloween I & II, then decided that it needed robots and the most obnoxious jingle to make it *chef’s kiss* parfait!
If you haven’t seen the movie, but are a fan of really bad, downright cheezy horror, then this is your film. It doesn’t have the same quotable lines that you might find in They Live (if you don’t know the “bubble gum” line at this point, take this opportunity), but you will find yourself questioning filmmakers and actors alike as to how such a film made it to the silver screen. I understand that just with Stranger Things there’s an appeal or attraction to the nostalgia of the 80s and with this film, you definitely get your fill, but acid wash jeans aside, the story is, lack for a better word, sh*t.
Spoiler Disclaimer: turn back now, it only gets worse from here.
Shamrock masks “if you want to be the hulk, too f*cking bad, we only got: pumpkin, witch, and skeleton”
Welcome to the second iteration of the “crap reel,” where I point out why this film is the rejected Halloween from the franchise.
Detective Casanova, superhero Doctor Daniel Challis is a true man’s man, and by that I mean, a man I would never want to meet in real life. We immediately get the impression that this guy is supposed to be some stud as if his mustache or thick highlighted hair makes him utterly irresistible to women. This is hard for me to reconcile with his blatant disregard for his own children, disrespect of his ex-wife, the creepy uncle vibe, and just general demeanor towards the opposite sex.
I’m going to continue to rail on the Doctor Challis because apparently everyone with a vagina in this film has. The guy goes from 0-60 concerning a patient that is killed under his care. Sure, I can understand that unexplained events are infuriating and difficult to move on from. However, the next reaction is NOT to go on a field trip with someone you don’t know, lie to your ex about some doctor convention at the last minute (without giving any details), thus abandoning your kids. His only motivation to pursue this endeavor lies between his legs.
Ellie is the distraught daughter of the patient that dies under Dr. Challis’s care, who later (within a span of hours) turns lover turns android for no reason at all. She pieces some clues that point her in the direction of a Halloween mask manufacturer (Silver Shamrock Novelties) and decides to bring hot Doc “3x her age” along with her. The night they arrive at a little factory town, Ellie goes full seductress without any indication of attraction prior. The sex scene was almost like an afterthought as if the entire film crew was like, “we forgot boobies; we need a boobie scene now!” I cringe at the “no nipple clause,” which translated to stud M.D. hiding it with his mouth. If that wasn’t the worst bit of the entire scene, ol’Doc asks, “wait, how old are you?” post-coitus. Now, I’m not a morality expert, but I would think that any reasonable consenting human would ask that before engaging in sexual activities. “Older than I look” is not the right answer, Ellie, and if you’re a robot, then chances are you’re a day old, so that’s worse.
The meat of the film, (no, I’m not talking about the Doctor, pervs) murderess masks, turning faces into piles of sludge, bugs, and snakes. I like the concept, consumerism at its worst and using technology with a bit of magic as a vehicle for destruction. Here’s the issue, why the f*ck is a chunk of Stonehenge in California? No one notices a large order from England to the US the size of the missing rock plastered all over the news? Why does Conal Cochran (main evil dude) just want to resurrect his witch folk using American kids? Are there no kids in England? Stonehenge is already there, you even have a selection of rocks to choose from. I would highly recommend firing the business operations manager, because the logistical nightmare is the real horror here.
Silver Shamrock jingle, this deserves its own bullet. Using the tune from “London Bridge is Falling Down” John Carpenter created the most infuriating jingle that played throughout the film. I’m not talking a few times, it was an obscene amount of times, as if the audience was being Rickrolled. If the intent was to despise the tune so much that you would turn off whatever you were watching out of fear of hearing it again, then well done, mission accomplished.
I understand that the original intention of the Halloween franchise was supposed to be an anthology, that being said, even on its own, the movie is just not good. Maybe someone will remake it on a bigger budget, but if they do, I hope they get rid of the weird love story, robots, and for the love of whatever you hold dear that damned jingle!
